thoughts | all gone

ma and mannheim -1-6

It seems trite to complain about something so merely insignificant as a blog. I should not be moaning about this week, because in a lot of ways it was absolutely amazing. I returned from six days in Spain with my best friend and reunited with my friends here; we've spent the time laying in the grass and soaking up the warm weather, swapping stories of break and sips of beer. I turned 21 and was surrounded by the people that I love-it was one of my best birthdays. I am so, so lucky, and I am frustrated with myself for being down. I have nothing to complain about. But this week, upon return, found the worries and anxiety of life at home knocking on the door. I had to come to terms with the fact that I have nowhere to live on campus next year, that my internship search has been, so far, fruitless. They started knocking on the door and slipping under the threshold, nagging little voices that have been silenced in a world of frisbee and bus rides, reminding me that this time of my life is almost over. And, in the middle of that, my blog just…disappeared. Every attempt to access the log-in, dashboard, home-page left me staring at a blank white page-not something you want to see when you're linking to a blog in every resume you send out. It wasn't something I wanted to worry about, and I think I spent three or four days trying to convince myself it would work itself out.

It didn't though, and this morning I sat down with a coffee and a pretzel, determined to straighten out the mess. And somewhere in between research and tutorials about un-installing and re-installing, I sort of deleted and reset my blog-which I didn't realize the implications of until I was staring at a blank wordpress dashboard. Because everything was gone.

Whoops .

I'll be honest-it sucks. Gone are the words that I have written, stories carefully crafted of Prague and Luxembourg, the account of my first days in Mannheim. Zip, zero, Nada. There may be a way to recover them, which is what I am going to tackle later-I was lucky enough to recover the posts from before January, when I switched over. But it's overwhelming, to have all of my hard work vanish into the depths of the internet. It's not something I want to do-spend sunny days frantically trying to reword and recreate things that happened three months ago, when there are memories to be made now. I want to almost give up, throw up my hands and forget about it. Go outside and move on. Those things have already happened; they're in the past. I don't want to lose precious time thinking about them, not when I have so much going on now.

I won't stop though. I'll find a way to dig them back up, restore them, rewrite them. And I have a sneaking suspicion that everything will work itself out, as life has a strange way of doing just that. So I just have to keep my face to the sun, keep soldiering on. There's no use worrying, wringing hands or biting lips-after all, they are just words + pictures.

Now, if you excuse me, I have a birthday to celebrate.

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